Life After My Daddy Left Us

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. And it seemed my life hasn’t never been good! I always wondered if it was because of his infidelity or was it because I was just meant to be a strong person?

        My mom caught my dad cheating so my whole my life I have always just been against cheating! I never have, never will! I believe if your not happy with someone you leave. It’s easier said than done, but I believe it’s best!

          After their divorce my mom dated a guy who sexually molested me for several years. So through my younger years trying to comprehend things was a struggle. I always and still to this day wondered why! I was so young an inoccent! I remember him telling me at times it was my job to fulfill his “need” and do these things because my mom had to work late. My mom worked two jobs a lot when I was young.

           I had a younger sister and I never wanted anything to happen to her. I protected her and kept her safe at all cost! He would wake me up at night while I slept. Which now even as an adult can’t sleep at night! I also at time suffer from many things. But I have over came a lot of things as I got older, for my kids sake. But at times they tend to mess with me. My kids don’t understand. And neither has the men in my life, and I guess I never really could explain  it to them, more in part because I didn’t feel I could. If shared other things and they used that against me and turned it around what would make this situation any different!

            I remember going to a babysitter too at this time and she was a great lady! As a mother now, I understand somethings, but her son always told her I stuck my tongue out at him and she would whoop my butt with a paddle! As soon as I walked out her son would laugh at me and stick his tongue out right at me! I told my mom but she needed someone to watch us because it was evening hours, and it was hard finding a babysitter. To this day I never got to tell her, I never lied!

             It was the summer of going into 1st grade when I told my mom what was going on. I was going to be 6. I remember looking at my birthday pictures ands and the sad feelings run through me everytime! Her and HIM were arguing! She yelled and screamed at me for not telling! But he said ” I would be taken from my family and they wouldn’t love me no more!” And still to this day I wonder if they do!

             We moved around a lot after that! My mom didn’t party she worked all the time! Always had two jobs! But she was never home! I remember seeing my Daddy on the weekends it seemed the only place I ever felt safe! Either with him or my granny! I never was mad at my daddy, although I think I should of been because I think if he never left us I may have never been hurt! But I got a brother out of it and wouldn’t change it for the world! I sometimes wonder if my daddy blames me!

              After HIM my mom dated another guy! He and her started drinking a lot! He and her argued all the time! They always were hurting each other! I always thought he was really mean to me and my sister and at night I’d pray that my Daddy would come save me! But he never showed up! 

               I went through a phase where I didn’t believe in the God, because if he was there this guy would push us around, he wouldn’t be mean to us, I wouldn’t have to watch my mom get carried on a stretcher every other weekend! Then it became a routine to call my granny to come get me! It seemed every other weekend I went to my Daddy’s he wasn’t never there, he was always at work! So I spent our time with my granny!

                After this guy my mom became a really heavy party girl! We skipped around from house to house! I tried living with my Daddy and that last a whole month! He chose his girlfriend and her two boys over me! This was no better than being at home with my mom! I ultimately tried killing myself and got sent back to my mom! After that I didn’t speak to my Daddy for some time!

                   I remember my 13 th birthday party at my granny’s! I wished my Daddy was there! He promised he would be and never showed up! I see that picture and people say wow you have no expression, I reply, the only person I wanted to see was my Daddy! And he didn’t even call!

           After that I picked up drinking! It seemed to make me feel better! I didn’t think about the men my mom dated!, I didn’t think about my Daddy and the girl I wanted him to love!, I didn’t think about anything, I felt free!

            By time I was 15 I was a full alcoholic, not only did a car wreck about kill me, but it changed my life! I didn’t know who I was as a person. But I continued to drink! My Daddy came right to me! I felt happy, but sad at the same time. I felt like it took me to my death bed for you to actually care!

            Since my wreck I have always tried to understand why my daddy has been the way he is! And wasn’t until recent years, probably about 4 years I have actually realized this is Daddy! He shows no emotion! 

               I accept my Daddy! It hasn’t been me the whole time! It been him! I am a wonderful person! My Daddy can’t express his feelings, I don’t think he’s ever been able to. My Daddy can tell me loves me and as far as showing them it’s far fetched! For as many hate letters I have written, which I have expressed my anger and hurt, I also regret, I have understood that, I love my Daddy no matter how he is! I’m grateful enough to get an I LOVE YOU! I do wish else ways, and I do have unasweres questions but I don’t make myself miserable about them anymore, or drink! I can say I have been sober for some years now and I know my Daddy isn’t in the best of health so I been told! But I love him just the way he is!

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