I’m Always The Strong One

I remember being in 3rd grade and coming home from school and no one was home. I sat in the corner of the kitchen scared to death! I called my mom at workbecause at that time that was the only number I could remember and my friend Dominque. 

       She said she would be home in a little while and I sat in the corner of the kitchen and cried the whole time! It felt like forever! I did go to school and bragged I got to stay home by myself but I was terrified! My friends thought it was awesome. I felt abandoned! 

        After that i occasionally stayed home alone, but then more frequently stayed alone and then my sister stayed home with me and then it seemed like everyday we were alone!

        By time I was in the 5th grade my mom hardly told me where she was or what she was doing. If I needed her I called the places I knew she’d be. 

        When she wasn’t home I like to sing, music is my love! I have loved music my whole life. It helps me on every level, stress, depressed, when I’m happy, when I’m angry, when I don’t know what to feel or even to just relax! I even listen to music when I need to cry, because it takes a lot to make me cry and when I feel I need to sometimes music is what helps me! 

           I also did what I wanted to!  I mean I took care of my sister, fed her, made sure chores were done. And made sure she bathed! When she was younger she hated getting in the bath, thank goodness she grew out of that now you can’t keep her out of the bath! I always signed her papers for school!

           There were nights mom didn’t come home, even times she didn’t come home for several nights. We couldn’t find her didn’t know where she was. Her boyfriend at the time would be like she will be here. But they never really took care of us, felt more like we just were roommates in their house most of the time.

          I knew never to ask my mom where she went or what she did! Because she was the adult, she was grown, and if I was suppose to know she would have told me! I knew what my job was take care of my sister whe she wasn’t there. I was the oldest! That’s what she’d say!

          I did the mom things, cleaned house, cook food, or made us something to eat, always cleaned up after ourselves because that’s what I was suppose to do! I did laundry! I always made sure my moms clothes were clean. Even her work clothes!

         I remember sometimes when she would come in the morning from a long night out smelling like puke and beer, still drunk, I had to help her in the shower and wash her hair! I knew how important it was for her to make it to her job! If she didn’t work, we wouldn’t have a place to live, no food, no clothes, nothing! So if I didn’t do what I had to to help when she needed it, then I’d be letting us three down too, we were a team!

         When I was in 6th grade a lot changed not only did she party more, stay out longer and me moved out of her boyfriends place and had to live on our own. We moved back to where we were from. So she kept is at home a lot! My sister was able to stay home during the day, so I got to venture out some! I also was gone a lot! I babysat for her friends tht she parties with too, and made some money. 

           I always was there for her and my sister! I was not nice to my sister( but that’s a whole another blog) and this was the time I started drinking to with my mom! When she was home I just loved seeing her happy! I always felt like the reason she was gone was because of my Daddy, and she left us because of my Daddy left her! It’s a vicious cycle people don’t know they usually fall in. It’s never noticeable, and when your in it, your in it, unless you make a change!

           My whole life I’ve always been the one who fixes things and to this day I still try to take care of my mom. She drank through my high school years she didn’t actually stop drinking until about 2003ish!  Her drinking got worse after my wreck in 1999, and after her marriage then she turned to doing drugs. I helped my mom through everything!

           Since I had my kids I have helped her too, but not so much in the last few years because I felt I was doing more for her than concentrating on my children. 

            Now, that I have done that it feels she pulls the I’m not important anymore, or we use to be sooo close, or you don’t love me card. And love has nothing rondo with what input as my priority! 

           People in my life see it just like that! And it makes me so angry! I put what’s more important first! I know what it feels like being alone, shit I’m lonely a lot so I try to make other not feel that! I try to help everyone I can, to better their self, not to benefit me! Because I don’t look for rewards, my reward is you not feeling what I have had  to. Seeing you smile and not being sad, is enough for me! 

            My mom has had drug problem on and off not street drugs anymore, but her prescriptions. I know she needs them. But I don’t like seeing her take them. I don’t go around her when she does! It brings back to many memories for me that hurt! 

            It makes me so angry because she gets like she does, she acts like it’s ok! And I rightfully know it’s not! 

             My ex the same way! He never understood why seeing him like that was hurtful, because of all I went through with my mom. Granted going out having a good time is ok….. But the behavior the last year was just like hers, and it brings back the old boyfriends that pushed me and my sister around, talked nasty to us, or talked nasty to my mom, or how she acted when she was messed up. Having fun occasionally is ok! But not everyday, and putting my kids through it too was not! I vowed to them and myself I would not do that! 

                Why is it that I have been the rock for everyone around me but I am the bad person for standing up for what I believe! I don’t get it! 

2 thoughts on “I’m Always The Strong One

    1. That’s how I feel to. Sometimes I need a rock too, and at times I feel guilty and selfish when I feel that way……I know I haven’t been good when I was younger and I done a lot of bad things and wonder if that’s why.!?!?

      Liked by 1 person

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