Speechless

I’ve always been the outgoing, love meeting new people, had lots of friends! Where I grew up everyone knows me! Even now everyone asks where I been, when I’m coming back, when they will see me again! It’s been 17 years since I seen everyone! I miss them so much!

      Where I went to high school I was a very popular girl! I have always had friends there too! They ask where I been, when I’m coming back, when they will see me again! It’s been about 10 years, and I miss all them too! 

        I have friend of both sexes! I had many guy friends, not so many girl friends that I hung out with on a daily basis, but I was friends with everyone. I liked pretty much everyone! There had to be a really BIG reason why I didn’t like you! 

         I never have been sexually active until I was with R so I hadn’t been with many people. So the guys I hung out with knew I wasn’t like the other girls! I didn’t flirt, I didn’t joke around about doing things with them, they were all more like brothers! I was always the life of party so to speak! Everyone wanted to do what I did, go where I was going, you could say I was a leader and had lots of followers!

          Now that I’m older you would never think that! I mostly sit alone! Do things alone! Rather be alone! It’s not because I like it! Well sometimes I do, because it helps me out things in perspective! But I now have a huge social anxiety!

            My sons father was very physically abusive! He followed me to public places and yell and scream at me about doing unspeakable things! Things you couldn’t even imagine! I never thought a person would even do things he spoke of! I was humiliated and embarrassed! We were together for 4 years. And the first two years were pretty good! I helped him off drugs and for the most part he has been clean since that I know of. Except for the last two years we were together.

             He was on medicine and taking other medication which caused him to hallucinate. And he actually thought he could see writing on pretty much everything! I use to doodle on paper all the time, and draw, I use to write letter to my friends, I use to write letters to my granny. But after all this happened I’m scared to do almost anything now!

            Once my G.G. Came to visit and he followed us to Walmart, I hadn’t noticed he was lurking around the corner watching us and she did. And said sow thing and he started a screaming at me! Asking why I came out out of the bathroom with another man and woman? Which we had just arrived to print pictures off my phone for her to take home. And never even went to the bathroom. He was yelling rude and obscene things in the middle of Walmart I was so embarrassed! I hardly ever went back to Walmart, as little as possible. His mom went for me most of the time, because I told her what had happened.

                 Another incident was at krogers he had accused me of going to the apartments behind them doing prostitution, and and scoring drugs! Which I never did neither! He got us kicked out! I was so humiliated and embarked I cried for days! I started burning my legs again! And I had ru Ber bands around my wrists in which I stretched and slapped on the inside of my wrists to ease my pain. It made me smile. It took my pain away.

                 He did these obscene things daily. It was rarely we had good days for 2 years, I should of listened to Sarah, she was right it was only gonna get worse after the first time! And it did! 

             Now, I sit speechless, I can’t believe what I let myself go through! The one person I use to be, the girl who everyone loves to be around, can hardly talk to anyone! I wanna say hi, how are you today, but I get a lump in my throat and feel like I’m gonna fall. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m gonna pass out. And sometimes when I get the courage to talk, I stumble over my words like I don’t know how to talk because I’m so worried what I’m going to say is wrong or not right! So I just sit in silence! I’ve been told for so long I’m not smart enough, good enough, or not right, now I question my self! 

             I wanna be around people but when I get around too many I just wanna hide! I always belonged now I feel like I just don’t! I’ve been told for so long, I’m not good enough, I don’t look good enough, I’ll never be good enough, I’ve even been treated not good enough! 

             I wonder if this is ever gonna stop! Will this ever be fixed! I hate this feeling! That use to be me! And now this is me! Day to night! I wish my stomach stopped hurting! Sometimes I just bare it for others, but it hurts so bad! I don’t understand how I became like this! I hate this!!!!!

            

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s