My Apologies and Thanks To You

In life we don’t choose growing up how things turn out, we only can manage with what we know and what we are given. We can’t choose what our parents do, and what kind of life they live. We get told “they are the adults and deal with it!” 

      Growing up my dad left us when I was 2, which has effected me greatly throughout my life. I wonder sometimes if he wonders if my life would of been different if he would have just tried! If he tried to be the family man my granny raised him to be! I wonder if my life would have better! Not saying I’m not thankful for what I have gone through, kind of weird to say, due to all the trauma I’ve had to go through. But without the hard times and all the things I’ve had to go through I sure wouldn’t be who I am today!

        I also wonder if he would of stayed around if it could have been worse. Would my parents fought, would their drinking been more of a problem for them than it it already became. Would I have meant these great people in my life I say are my friends! But wondering doesn’t ever stop!

        Being with my mom, was tough, always was my whole life through her drinking and the things she went through. Which also makes me wonder if my dad would of been around would she turned out the way she did! My mom I believe loves my dad still to this day. And her heart aches for him everyday! Even when she has been at her happiest I know, as a woman she wonders to! Bringing my daddy up is a huge thing to her and very touchy subject.

          Then I have my step parents, which I love both of them as they have been part of my life greatly! And I wouldn’t have learned all the hands on, homemade things I know and even baking if it weren’t for my step mother. I love just as much as both of my parents. Then there is my stepdad! He’s been there greatly for me and has always supported my choices even if they were wrong! Which every child needs that, because his outlook is your only gonna learn and then you will find out for yourself if it was worth it or not. Which is some of the reason on have a little dare devil side to me. Now that I am older I defiantly use it more wisely. I believe if I hadn’t when i was younger I would be in worst places than I have been.

        But the one person, that means the world to me, has showed me things, taught me about life, and has never given up on me, even at my worst, has been my granny! She has always been my rock! Even at times she could have turned away, because I am not her child, or her responsibility, she never has! She has been there from the beginning, just as I feel both my parent should have been. 

          When I was little,I found out, she would send my mom money to make sure we had great Christmases, if it weren’t for her don’t know how we would of made it. She took us shopping for clothes every year and when we visited she always got us what we needed. Since I have been a teenager, and even until now when I refer to her, she is my “granny,actually more like my mom.” I never told her because I felt bad! I felt bad she had to be that position to be that person to me! 

            I have always relied on my granny, because she has always been there. I did have a stage in my life I did lie to her at times said I needed things, when I didn’t, just so I could get money to drink. I think she knew, but believing me was what she always did! After I left that toxic time in my life, I wrote her a long letter, crying, and ashamed of what I did, and apologized to her for it. And she still has been there. 

         She has helped me through my drinking, which she has no idea! She has no idea that every letter and card she ever sent is packed in box still, and time to time I read and cry! Because I’m so far away from her. I think a lot of my life has been chaos because I haven’t had her. I love her! She’s my everything! Not a day goes by since I had my kids, and try to live how my granny does! If she only knew. The words she speak to me touches my heart on every level! I wouldn’t be who I am or as nice as I am if it weren’t for her! She has and always will be my role model!

          I feel bad and I’m sooo sorry I have always had to rely on you! I feel bad about that! When I can’t sleep at night I think about you! And wish I could drive my car to you just to feel safe and loved! I wish my granny knew how much I love her and how high of a pedal stool I put you on! No one in my life could ever compare to you! And I’m sorry for the times I’ve let you down! I’m sorry when I hurt your heart, and disappointed you! I’m even more sorry that my parent couldn’t be as responsible as they should have been and I have relied on you!

           But I want to thank you too! Thank you! Thank you for always answering your phone no matter what time to listen to me when I cry, when I don’t understand something! Thank you for always setting me straight! If there hasn’t been anything in this world I have ever wanted more than to better myself for you! Thank you for helping do that!  You have always been an inspiration to me, and thank you for never giving up on me! 

             I know sometimes I don’t call as much as I should, but hearing bad things only stresses you out, and stews isn’t good on anyone. It’s not that I don’t wanna call, sometimes I just rather try to deal with it on my own. Because of all my life has impacted you already! I do hold my head down at sown of things in my life, because of what I done, out of anger, and sadness, and I know it just hurt you. But not a day goes by I don’t wanna call. I miss you everyday. And the more time I spend away the more I miss you! I do have an empty spot in my soul because of the choices I have made and can’t be with you now because of them. I get mad at myself because I know if I would of listened id be there with you! 

       Your older now and I know I can never repay you for anything you have done for me! But I know if I was closer I would do everything I could for you, just make life easier on you. May not be the exact repayment, but I know in my heart and yours the meaning is just the same if not more! I love you granny and miss you so much!!!!!!


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