Emotions I Never Thought I Had

So I have been super busy, between work, kids going back to school, and wrapping my head around my mom being sick. The daily day to day living, which is always stressful to me. I have been always told I wear my hear on my shoulders.

I as I get older I have tried not to let as much bother me. It’s not that I think it’s all intensional, or on purpose because as we all know shit just happens, and how we deal with it is strictly up to us. But that being said why do we tend to fall back in to some patterns that doesn’t suit is very well even though we know it may never change.

I’ve always been told to look at the brighter side of things. And that’s what I try to do. As my moms situation, and death period, I feel is selfish as myself to wish someone to be here with me, as to if they have lived their life correctly they will go where they belong.

I also believe that people are the chosen one, so to speak. So if my mother does she apparently is the chosen one. Which we have spoke about this to each other. Since she has also shared she is NOT doing chemo, radiation or any other treatment. She says if it’s her time to go, it’s her time to go. Which some say is vague! But it’s her life. I look at it like apparently HE needs her more than myself for his army! And that’s just that.

The whole idea of my mother being sick has taken a toll on me in ways I never thought would have. I have always been upset and angry with my mom which later I will go into more detail of why. But I know everything in my life hasn’t always been her fault it has inevitably been my own I just felt better blaming it all on her, because of all the wrong she has done.

Now, I have to come to those terms! I have to take responsibility for what I have done and apologize to her. Because I may not have a chance to later. And that has been very hard to do. In some way it has made me feel better…… But also sad, that it came to this for me to realize that it was me. After a period of time. And to realize some of my behavior was just myself all along. I just hope I have been what she expected me to be and my family as well.


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