Once I Was Asked

Awhile back I was in a relationship that tore me to pieces. It made me realize things about myself that not only things I wanted to change in my life, but about myself as well.

     I been told it wasn’t for the good, but others say it was for the best. I changed some things about me, for instance trust! Major key factor! I have a hard time trusting some people. This person in general. It’s been since May he left me. And since then we talked, and time to time, have had long conversations about what went wrong his part and mine. 

       He asked me to trust him again and give a chance and here in the last month I thought I’d give a whirl. The huge problem has been drinking and time after we have went over this! And yes! His drinking has been better and yes things was good again! But I had a wall! And day by day a brick was being removed! But as days went by it seemed as a brick was removed he took more advantage of that. In the last two weeks it got more chaotic!

        Few weeks ago I tried to go out with some girl friends which he intruded on and ruined the evening and it became a huge problem and turned out not to be what it was suppose to and yes I admit, apparently he has trust issues to. It seems, past relationships because I don’t cross lines that your not suppose to! I love him and wouldn’t try if I didn’t! His drinking became worse. 

          He started lying about drinking, tried covering up about his drinking and two nights in one week he went elsewhere instead of coming home due to his drinking because if he drank he wasn’t allowed at home because of the kids. I feel he chose his drinking instead of family! He should of been home. And then again on top of all that he been back home for a month and me working and paying everything said he was gonna pay and do this and that the day he was suppose to pay up, leaves. 

       Now I’m not trying to throw trash in the streets but I wanted the bigger picture to be seen. I started letting my wall down. And now look where I am! Right back to square one! I’m torn and crushed! I feel worse than the day he left in May! Because I gave him a chance, because I started giving him a chance. I feel like if I wouldn’t have I would always wondered. And now I feel like now that I did, it wasn’t worth the pain I feel all over again. I’m trying to be and show my girls. But what is it I’m actually teaching and showing them. I totally believe in “leading by example,” but what is this example. 

    And it’s not even about the shit that had to get done, bills that need paid or kids things, because it always works out. It is about, how I see a change in him so much until the last two weeks. Just in the last two weeks, since he been back around, he’s had a significant change and it’s been for the good.  He helped with the kids, they got along, he helped with house stuff, we had great conversations, we laughed, it was just like before, at least beginning to.  

      Then he changed, seemed angry all the time. Very irratable, demanding. And always tired. He never helped with the house stuff. Yelled at the kids all the time. Cursed way more than he did. His voice sounded to easily, almost like he was mad, and unhappy, all the time! And his face expressions l, always mad and red. Very argumentative!

      Automatically everyone is stressed, worried and most of scared. It seemed like everything we did was wrong, not fast enough and most all stupid. My wall started going back up. Because now I’m all these things And on top of that you accuse me of infidelity! I have never and would never, I believe do onto others as you would want done on to you, so I interpret this as I know how this feels so if I would or would not want this done to me don’t do to others if they don’t deserve. But I been asked to let my wall down!

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