Long Nights

Since I was 6, I’ve not been the same. I’m hard to love! I’m hard to love because of everything in my life that has happened. At times I feel a million and one ways. And sometimes not sure why!!

I remember moving into a new house with my moms boyfriend at the time, the man who ruined everything about me. His name is Pat or Patrick! I remember the the place like it was yesterday, white trailer with red stripes. I thought it was the cooled place ever because back then they made two stairs that went to the kitchen from the living room.

There was a huge hill too, and in the winter my sister and I couldn’t wait for because we could go sledding down it. To us it was the hugest eat we ever saw. We moved in at spring time, while everyone moves stuff, my sister and I played outside in the dandelions! “Pop goes the weasel!” 😂 or chase each other putting yellow marks on each other. It was soo fun!

We went inside for lunch and we were running around, of course we were told not to! But we were kids, and of course we continued! I remember playing tag. I remember getting yelled at for running, and to stop, but of course we didn’t! I was tagging my sister and I pushed her too hard and she fell right into the corner of the little table we had. I knew I was in trouble, because she ended up haveing to get stiches under eye. But I wasn’t scared of my mom, yelling at me, or whooping my butt for not listening. I was more scared of being left home with HIM!!

I already could tell the look on his face, when he shook his head at me, and it was almost like a smile, because he knew my mom would leave me with him. It’s crazy how now that I’m older I read a lot about people’s faces and expressions, and mostly I think because I read his already by 6.

I could always tell, him lying to my mom and being nice to me, but he always hurt me! He hurt me for a long time. When I lay down to sleep, I can still hear his voice, see his smile, and sometimes even feel his touch! It’s been almost 30 years, and I still can’t sleep good.

I remember sleeping and being woke up with his hands where they shouldn’t have been. I remember him telling me I was dirty and had to take another bath, only this time it was with him. I remember my mom leaving for work and he picking me up out of bed to put me in my moms spot!

I know he’s not been around for many many years, but how do you overcome something like that. I can even hear his whispers, “this isn’t gonna hurt!” And I start crying. What do you do to overcome this?

I’m scared all the time he will find me! I’m scared he will hurt me again! I’m afraid! The only times I can remember ever sleeping good is when I didn’t remember! Those were the best nights sleep!

Even now, I can’t hold a decent relationship, because I hear something that he said, or a look he gave and I’m in instant panic, my mind races a hundred times over, flashes start flowing through my head! When I close my eyes to sleep the whispers start! The hurt takes over! It seems so endless! When will it stop! When can I stop being scared!

My granny’s house was the only place I felt safe! I think in my heart I feel safe with my daddy too, but my safe spot is granny! If daddy wouldn’t of left would I been hurt?

I want to be safe! I’m tired of being scared! I’m tired of not sleeping! My nights just keep getting longer and longer! And the pain is still there!!!!

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