Why It’s Hard

It’s not the fact that it feels like your gone and my heart believes something was real an the future I thought we was building is now not that hurts. It’s recovering is what’s hard! Since January you and I have been through a lot and never really had a chance to discuss or talk or vent, or even fully cry it out. I had to keep it all in because there never was a good time. I was there for you. I stayed strong for you!

At the end of January we found out your mom was sick. She was admitted, and from then on I was by your side! The late nights! I couldn’t sleep, waited by the phone patiently for you to call, I was afraid to sleep I’d miss you call, and I wouldn’t be there. I missed work. There came times I almost lost my job because you and your mom were more important!

I reassured my children this is a phase, explained to them there are times in life people go through they need support and they completely understood. You needed someone. They wanted me with you. At times they wanted me home but knew you needed more. My kids understood what you were going through, it’s part of life. The only thing was the older one and younger girl fighting.

Yes my house was messy. I tried to keep it calm but it was hectic, I was stressed over that, groceries, bills, getting it clean, work, but most of getting to you. I’d take care of my stuff leave a list and off again to you. The nights were long for weeks, sometimes I didn’t sleep, helping with your mom to make sure you did. Getting up for work. It took everything I had to seem I had it all together. On my way to work I’d cry. Re apply my make up. Go to work like I was all together but inside I was falling apart.

Watching your mom everyday, hurt. And I had nobody to talk to. Watching you talk to people, and I had no one. I couldn’t talk to you because knowing how I felt hurting like I did it had to hurt you Just as much and more. I really don’t think you knew I was close to her. I couldn’t put what I was going through on you, it was your mom. I couldn’t put that on you, I felt it would of been selfish!

The nurse came and I felt not wanted or needed after all I had been doing and pushed aside. But we talked about that and made sense. And the communication issue you thought was jealously. Which obviously you never discussed with your mom. Because you brought that up. I talked with her about it too. She agreed! She understood, where I was coming from. The days you didn’t hear from me i sat at home crying. Because I couldn’t see her. I saw her at her best.

I knew she was getting bad and I met her elsewhere. I seen her and had few words. I promised I’d take care of you. She said she knew we loved each other. She never saw you as happy as you are with me. That was the last conversation we had. We held hand and hugged smiled. And that was it.

When we went to Florida. I had soo much I wanted to tell you and to clear my mind, actually there’s been many. But it’s never been the right time. I’ve held it all in. I’ve cried at home, a few times. I’ve missed your mom like crazy.

I’ve been there for you and I’m recovering still from it. I chose everything to be there for you! Remember that! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️that’s love ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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