Everyday, But Sometimes Hard

Over the years I had to change situations. Years ago I was in a terrible abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years. Now that I am older I see how other views of this as a choice and others as an awe pour you, me a lesson, and it’s taught me a lot.

Yes I have anxiety, it use to be extremely bad, could hardly go in public. It felt like a heart attack and couldn’t breathe, my chest hurt sooo bad it, my chest would hurt sooo much I’d fall to the ground some would say felt like a heart attack. I had panic attacks, the bruises that left on my body, ashamed to be in public, the looks from people, the humiliation I I felt was horrifying.

Years later I have over come soo much, but there are times from things in my past that being back memories. He use to think I don’t all these aweful things no person probably would think of doing. In my mind today I still wonder how he thought of these things and if people actually did these things. And what type of people would.

Cheating in itself is horrible to me as my morals stand, so going any further than that said throws my heart racing, and I can now calm it down. My last boyfriend would accuse me of that, regular before it ended. And it started again. My panic attacks. I stood up for my self, but through my mind all I could think was is he gonna hit me, now he did hit me once, he broke my nose, completely accident though. He was drinking. Not here nor there. The thing is to me it was repeat in my mind, anxiety started in my mind it was he’s accusing and my body was reacting to the trauma I had been through for so long, my mind racing to is he gonna hit me.Which he would always say he would and hurt me so I was always scared of him.

Then my safe place came. I never knew or felt that before or actual true love. And the one time he joked about another boyfriend I felt the anxiety. Yea he never really knew about my trouble spots. He never really asked. He never really knew what my triggers are like I knew his. He never really cared to learn.

So joking around about a boyfriend I immediately was panicking because it was a moment back in time I had to immediately calm myself down, I ask please stop I’m gettin upset he acted like he didn’t care, at that moment I was, o no is he gonna get up hit, in my mind I knew he wasn’t that guy, but it was like does he care does he not, what’s going on, my mind was going so fast, then it was joke I had to calm myself down.

See people don’t realize how many moments a day or weeks and months when you have traumatized you have to do that calm yourself down, how fast you mind goes. I know he’s not that guy, but it’s a repeat in you head. You have to train yourself. I have trained myself and learned he’s not like everyone.

I have had a gun pulled on me twice and pulled and pointed at me. I thought I was gonna die by my abuser. When I heard the click I thought I was dead. When my my love pulled the click before to clean his gun I panicked at first but knew he was safe heaven. I knew it was different. I felt that in my body.

Men and woman who have been traumatized have to be understood❤️❤️❤️❤️

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