No Words Can Express

My heart is torn, because I had to do the worst thing, and that was give you a choice. And I’m sure I already know how it’s gonna turn out. No words can express how I feel, because my love for you runs deeper than the ocean.

When you said your future was with me, I actually was surprised not really thinking about my future after my children leave home, which is just a few years away. After hearing you say that I couldn’t wait to spend it with you. So I defiantly with out a doubt defiantly wanted that and started preparing myself for just that. Scared! Yes! But couldn’t wait!

Today at a lost for words because I don’t know what to do! I pictured the rest of my life with you and now it’s a black hole. I am happy I got what time I had with and the fact my positive ness and inspiration is what you like about me just wished it was enough for you.

There were many times in the last three years I could of ran away in my mind at times I wish I did but thankful more that I didn’t. Blessed even more I got to stay….I love you soooo much and always going to❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Life Is Hectic, But Only Sometimes!

As adults there are busy times, slow times, times we just don’t know which way to turn. We always tell our self and more times than not here recently I hear people say “when things calm down, I will…….”, but when is that really?

If we wait, that time never is going to happen. I’ve learned, in my 30+ years to just go with it, yes at times it’s way more hectic than others and I have to figure it out, and I usually do. And at times it’s usually stressful. And I found out as myself I tend to work better under pressure than when I am not. Others not so much.

Sometimes we do need to handle things one thing at a time but life isn’t about only handling things one at time all the time. We have kids, jobs and relationships, that being family friends, spouses or even S/O , and we have to balance all these at once, and sometimes more times than not more than we like we can get hit with situations where they are all are hitting us like a bombshell. Making us feel overwhelmed. And we just hide.

But hiding doesn’t make them go away. It creates bigger problems. This is where prioritizing is these issues is very important. Overcoming these obstacles is very hard for some but very rewarding as well.

First make a list of either what’s more important or who and go from there. And soon than becomes a routine. And things become soo much more easier. Life is going to be hectic sometimes, it’s suppose to be. Life doesn’t have to be hectic all the time it’s how you handle it, and is the rewarding part!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Missing Me Yet?

For the last three years we’ve been around each other so it became a habit it makes me wonder if you miss me yet? Makes me wonder if he miss smelling my hair. Makes me wonder if you miss my laugh. Makes me wonder if you miss smile. Makes me wonder if you wonder what I’m doing.

When two people in a relationship it’s normal when they argue, to say things and say they break up, and after two days they are speaking again. It usually takes two or three to cool down. And then apologize, and explain theirselves. But almost two weeks it’s a clue that ones feels isn’t really there and that their mind is definitely made up.

Love is a commitment, and takes a lot of work. I’m a traditional love bird. I believe when you find the one. My granny said you would know. I also go to the movie, “The Notebook”, an all time favorite!😝 You fight, you love, and with him I’d do all that but I’d never give up. He did!

It took everything I had to tell him how I felt. And how my love for him scared me. Never been soo terrified in my life, that’s how I knew it was more real, than real. What I feel for him could never touch what I thought I felt for others. And that why I let my walk down I’ve never done for anyone. I don’t regret a bit of it. It’s the best feeling in the world. I just wish he could feel what I felt. And understand how much courage that in itself took to tell, and show him.

It almost was like standing naked in front of the world. And that he knows I couldn’t hardly do in front him. Lol. (Past insecurities I’m still getting over, but I have over cane many, thanks to him.)

In this time apart I also think maybe I am not his “one” in this lifetime. Maybe he wants me to be but maybe I am not. Only because if I were he wouldn’t be so unsure of me. He wouldn’t be so cautious of me, regardless of his hurt prior because I haven’t been, I know he is different. So I treat him different and treats me the same. I guess we won’t know.

Always my love, my heart…. you❤️❤️❤️❤️

Everyday, But Sometimes Hard

Over the years I had to change situations. Years ago I was in a terrible abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years. Now that I am older I see how other views of this as a choice and others as an awe pour you, me a lesson, and it’s taught me a lot.

Yes I have anxiety, it use to be extremely bad, could hardly go in public. It felt like a heart attack and couldn’t breathe, my chest hurt sooo bad it, my chest would hurt sooo much I’d fall to the ground some would say felt like a heart attack. I had panic attacks, the bruises that left on my body, ashamed to be in public, the looks from people, the humiliation I I felt was horrifying.

Years later I have over come soo much, but there are times from things in my past that being back memories. He use to think I don’t all these aweful things no person probably would think of doing. In my mind today I still wonder how he thought of these things and if people actually did these things. And what type of people would.

Cheating in itself is horrible to me as my morals stand, so going any further than that said throws my heart racing, and I can now calm it down. My last boyfriend would accuse me of that, regular before it ended. And it started again. My panic attacks. I stood up for my self, but through my mind all I could think was is he gonna hit me, now he did hit me once, he broke my nose, completely accident though. He was drinking. Not here nor there. The thing is to me it was repeat in my mind, anxiety started in my mind it was he’s accusing and my body was reacting to the trauma I had been through for so long, my mind racing to is he gonna hit me.Which he would always say he would and hurt me so I was always scared of him.

Then my safe place came. I never knew or felt that before or actual true love. And the one time he joked about another boyfriend I felt the anxiety. Yea he never really knew about my trouble spots. He never really asked. He never really knew what my triggers are like I knew his. He never really cared to learn.

So joking around about a boyfriend I immediately was panicking because it was a moment back in time I had to immediately calm myself down, I ask please stop I’m gettin upset he acted like he didn’t care, at that moment I was, o no is he gonna get up hit, in my mind I knew he wasn’t that guy, but it was like does he care does he not, what’s going on, my mind was going so fast, then it was joke I had to calm myself down.

See people don’t realize how many moments a day or weeks and months when you have traumatized you have to do that calm yourself down, how fast you mind goes. I know he’s not that guy, but it’s a repeat in you head. You have to train yourself. I have trained myself and learned he’s not like everyone.

I have had a gun pulled on me twice and pulled and pointed at me. I thought I was gonna die by my abuser. When I heard the click I thought I was dead. When my my love pulled the click before to clean his gun I panicked at first but knew he was safe heaven. I knew it was different. I felt that in my body.

Men and woman who have been traumatized have to be understood❤️❤️❤️❤️

I Thought

I feel soo foolish…. I thought I was I was your good morning. Now I’m falling apart just wishing you were holding me telling me I will be ok. I know your holding someone else, telling them their ok, maybe not for the same reason you would of held me. Or the same love.

But I held you when you were falling apart telling you all the things would be ok. And now my world feels all alone once again. And the person I thought I found that made everything that went wrong my whole life made it all make sense, because of you. It went wrong because you made it all right.

I know I’ll be ok, I’m glad I had the chance to know what it feels like, to know what it felt like, I’m glad I took that chance. Don’t get me wrong, just wish it lasted a lifetime. I guess that sounds selfish.

It’s just, I thought I had that good morning good morning sunshine, I had a great night. Because I seen it in your eyes all the love, thought we wouldn’t of drifted apart. But I guess it happens, at least I didn’t….❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank You❤️

Just wanted to say that after the last three years I am happy! Yes sad, there seems to be anend. But I hold no grudges. And yes I have brought up stuff, but do not confuse that for anger, it’s facts! I hold truth, reality!

I am happily in pain. Only because it’s the lessons it has taught me to build me. I will never let go of the love I have for you, it will always be in my heart! The laughs, cry’s and times. I will never regret ever the time I have spent with you, meeting your beautiful soul, or the things you’ve taught me. It will always live within me. Every word you spoke!

Times I bring up will always have a smile on my face even if I have a tear down my face! Because I love you that much. Anger may have built up at a point but those feelings arenormal. I am hurt! Hurt because of the Untrue things you led me to believe… But I’m humble so I won’t hold it against you.

I am hurt that my kids for once in their life actually let their guards down for you and thought and believed they were going to have something they never thought they’d have, but they will one day. It’s part of building them too. Learning forgiveness, I’d say. I have taught them never to hate. Love from a distance! Only time can tell, but it’s not mine to decide.

I’m sorry once again you took what I said to heart on your and my bad day. If anyone learns anything from my readings please communicate! It’s that’s how things work!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️