I’m Sorry

So growing up my mom was never around, she either was working to help provide for me and my sister, or she was at the bar/partying.

So growing up I practically raised my sister. She is 2 years you get than me. And even after all I have done I have always loved her. Never wanted anything to happen to her. My job has and always will be to keep her safe and protected.

When we were younger you not believe that’s what I wanted for her. I was so mean to my sister, at the time it was the moment we were in. I was soo angry with my mom. Like I was just a child, why did I have this responsibility.

Kids picked on my sister, I had to fight them off her. At the same time stressed out abt what’s gonna happen when Mom finds out what’s going on. How much trouble we would be in. I stuck up for her in many ways., only in public.

I was soo mean to her at home, now being grown and seeing how I did her I feel terrible. Everyday! I apologize to her. If there were a way to turn back and change I would change some of the things I did to her. There were times I would say such cruel things to her. If she didn’t listen I intimidated her, to listen. I was soo mean!

There was times I had thrown knives at her, once out fun, like at the time I thought it was funny, seeing the way she reacted, and the other occasion was to see her reaction. She had mad me soo mad..

There were times I got so mad at her I’d just start hitting her tugging on her shirt getting her mad, times I’d pull her hair. There were times she tried fighting back and it got bad, when I was drunk or high, it got really bad. I pushed her down some stairs a time or two. And that in itself sits in my heart with such great regret and remorse.

I never realized how aweful I was to her until after I gotten older and by that time her anger and the hate had already grew within her. I have soo much regret in my heart and soul for the things I done to her. The humiliation I put her through, the doubts she has now, and she’s dealt with through her life. I just hope even though through the stuff we been through our bond is always there and she is always in my heart and soul. I love her more than anyone in my life even when I don’t agree with her she’s always my sister💯❤️

Infidelity 

The one thing I have always stood by in my life and believe is if your not happy, make yourself happy! Find out what that is and so it! If it’s having multiplied relationships be honest about that to each partner!

Infidelity is by far the most sacred thing a person can do to another! Because the effect it takes on the other person, the insecurities the other person has to carry around with them for the rest of their life because of the unfaithfulness that one has done to them is a huge thing! And for some it gets carried with them through relationship through relationship.

I have been cheated on in almost every relationship! I have tried working on it with the other person but the trust was never rebuilt! Due to the fact the the lies never stopped after that! I myself never cheated on anyone in my entire life! Like before mention it is against everything I stand for!

I don’t understand the thrill or the reason behind it! If you want some someone else then why be with the person your with now?! If you are married why continue to be decietful? Why damage something or someone? You can easy just leave! It’s that simple! Is is revenge? Is it because you don’t want to hurt them? Because in the end it inevitable they will be hurt, hurt you left or damaged because of your infidelities!

I know plenty of people who have snuck around and or are! I never and still don’t get the stress, they put their self under! I know this woman! She is married! Now her husband has cheated before and now has a child from his infidelity. She has been tore up since.  Which I understand why! But being the good person she is she doesn’t want to give up on her marriage either. She claims she married him and not divorcing!

Now she and her husband now been having this hobby that also include his “friend”. They both are involved in. But she now spends more time with his friend. Her husband does know. And is completely fine about that! Now this is the tricky part!

She also has told me about a friend of her that has like her “friend” for awhile. Not anything serious because she has been in an on and off relationship, and the timing hasn’t ever been good. But when she moved to town apparently she saw him and liked him then and just always have. But she really got to know him in the last few years.

So the woman hangs out with her friend but continues to joke around about how she isn’t good enough for her friend and, she isn’t his type, and how she better get in line. She is telling me this! Now she for one is suppose to be this girls friend! And secondly she is married! How am I suppose to react! Am I suppose to just flat out say why would you do that? You are her friend? You should encourage her!  Should I stop her and say why are you saying those things to your friend you are married?!

On top of that she now finds out she is pregnant! And this “friend” sounds like a very caring guy! Wants to look out for people, always thinking kindly, because he’s telling her what to and not to do already! But she then tells me how she tells her girlfriend about that conversation! And actually is laughing! “I don’t know if it’s his baby or his baby” I just wanted to slap her like, why would you say that to your friend! She was trying to be there for you and it sounded like to me your rubbing everything in her face about your “friend”, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, to say your a good friend!

Infidelities  not only on your husband but it sounds like as a person,as a friend! Sounds like to me she shares things with you to be friends and now you used those to your advantage because your hurt!!!! And then you rub it in her face! You are married!!!! Whether you have honestly had sex with him or not! You have cheated in your mind, in your heart! It’s in EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!!!!!!! Infedelities!!!!!

Long Nights

Since I was 6, I’ve not been the same. I’m hard to love! I’m hard to love because of everything in my life that has happened. At times I feel a million and one ways. And sometimes not sure why!!

I remember moving into a new house with my moms boyfriend at the time, the man who ruined everything about me. His name is Pat or Patrick! I remember the the place like it was yesterday, white trailer with red stripes. I thought it was the cooled place ever because back then they made two stairs that went to the kitchen from the living room.

There was a huge hill too, and in the winter my sister and I couldn’t wait for because we could go sledding down it. To us it was the hugest eat we ever saw. We moved in at spring time, while everyone moves stuff, my sister and I played outside in the dandelions! “Pop goes the weasel!” 😂 or chase each other putting yellow marks on each other. It was soo fun!

We went inside for lunch and we were running around, of course we were told not to! But we were kids, and of course we continued! I remember playing tag. I remember getting yelled at for running, and to stop, but of course we didn’t! I was tagging my sister and I pushed her too hard and she fell right into the corner of the little table we had. I knew I was in trouble, because she ended up haveing to get stiches under eye. But I wasn’t scared of my mom, yelling at me, or whooping my butt for not listening. I was more scared of being left home with HIM!!

I already could tell the look on his face, when he shook his head at me, and it was almost like a smile, because he knew my mom would leave me with him. It’s crazy how now that I’m older I read a lot about people’s faces and expressions, and mostly I think because I read his already by 6.

I could always tell, him lying to my mom and being nice to me, but he always hurt me! He hurt me for a long time. When I lay down to sleep, I can still hear his voice, see his smile, and sometimes even feel his touch! It’s been almost 30 years, and I still can’t sleep good.

I remember sleeping and being woke up with his hands where they shouldn’t have been. I remember him telling me I was dirty and had to take another bath, only this time it was with him. I remember my mom leaving for work and he picking me up out of bed to put me in my moms spot!

I know he’s not been around for many many years, but how do you overcome something like that. I can even hear his whispers, “this isn’t gonna hurt!” And I start crying. What do you do to overcome this?

I’m scared all the time he will find me! I’m scared he will hurt me again! I’m afraid! The only times I can remember ever sleeping good is when I didn’t remember! Those were the best nights sleep!

Even now, I can’t hold a decent relationship, because I hear something that he said, or a look he gave and I’m in instant panic, my mind races a hundred times over, flashes start flowing through my head! When I close my eyes to sleep the whispers start! The hurt takes over! It seems so endless! When will it stop! When can I stop being scared!

My granny’s house was the only place I felt safe! I think in my heart I feel safe with my daddy too, but my safe spot is granny! If daddy wouldn’t of left would I been hurt?

I want to be safe! I’m tired of being scared! I’m tired of not sleeping! My nights just keep getting longer and longer! And the pain is still there!!!!

Reviewed😂

So I have read over previous posts. And I just laugh. Now! Like how could I have had someone control how they made me feel, not only abt myself but my life. I know now that I needed fixing. It wasn’t even abt the situation at hand.

Honestly don’t think I cared abt that person as much as I thought. It was more abt the things I got to do. Before him I was in a really bad abusive relationship and wasn’t allowed to do hardly anything. Literally going to the grocery store was a nightmare! Either he lurked around watching me or when I got home it was a world war!

Today I have grown so much from all these experiences, and I’m glad I’ve been through them. It’s taught me a lot! And now not sure what it is or isn’t but one day at a time. And I’m soo glad for that! It does get confusing but I’m happy! Happy to know what I am built for and not! I love you❤️

I See In You

When you don’t speak I feel your thoughts

When I don’t hear your voice I feel your words

When your eyes wondering I see what you think

Sounds crazy but everything in you I see. In some way it always connects. I can finish your sentence. You finish mine. I can tell what your thinking, you can see what I see. When your mind goes blank I help you figure it out. The best ideas have came from us with what we had. We made something out of nothing.

You asked me what I see in you. And I see my world. From the beginning to the end. I’m not scared. I can sleep. And with no hesitation I am me! ❤️

Guessing Game Becomes a Habit

Through out life always wondering and waiting become a habit. I remember growing up. Waiting on my mom, back then we didn’t have cell phones to call and see where each other were and what time we would be home. So knowing the time she would be rolling in was a guessing game.

🤔wondering if she’s coming home tonight, some nights she never showed up. Some nights she shows up but long enough to grab clothes and out again she would be. As I grew older I never really depended on what people said. I always guessed, and wondered. Always hated asking because hearing what they had to say either let me down when they didn’t come through. Or disappointed by what they had to say.

My dad was the same way. Never had time to see us. When it was his weekend like I said before I spent time with my granny instead of him. And when he had to pick us up it ended up being granny. Which didn’t bother me, it was that little time with him that mattered.

As I have grown older I have realized how my relationships have been greatly effected by not asking questions I should have with the worry I may be disappointed because all the disappointment I’ve had growing up. I don’t ask questions. Which leaves guessing and wondering at hand.

Guessing and wondering has become a great problem as I have realized. It’s not just me I see this though. I see it in many relationships. We sit and wonder if this happens instead of being straightforward and asking, which in turn leads to disappointment and hurt. If we didn’t set our heart out to what we thought was the better instead of outright asking we wouldn’t be caught up in the guessing game.

Like where we stand, how do you see this playing out? Some of us just live with what we could have would have should have aspect. Instead of changing it the next time. Because we have grown soo use to it and not realizing its a behavior we grown into. I think we would have less heartache if we ask more questions instead continue with the guessing game…..❤️

The Knock Of Opportunity

Previously I had mentioned a friend who said “opportunities knock once, you either take or don’t.”

I had an opportunity, and couldn’t me more grateful that I took it. Nobody has ever really gotten close to me. Yes, I have told past events, things I liked but not deep stuff.

He spent time with me, to learn me, teach me, not only about myself but if many other valuable things, in life and people. I couldn’t be more blessed to call this man my best friend. Yes I have besties, but my intimate best friend.

Over the last couple years he taught me patience, tenderness, and most of how to love myself. In my worst days he was there. In his worse, which haven’t ended, I am still there. Many times you impatientness has wanted me to quit can run.

The feelings we have, has scared the living shit out of me and then I wanted to run. But something has always kept me there.

I read many article even if they are relatively the same, and we love people for all different ways. I break up I had several years ago I took hard because of all the effort and commitment I put in it. Today, I wouldn’t hardly say I was completely committed. I think I wanted to be but intuition felt differently.

When I meant him, I was coming out of a abusive relationship. And he showed me how to be free. He showed me how to live not being scared. How to stand up for myself, and we had fun. The future with him if I stayed would of ended anyways. He was good with my kids but not great!

The abusive relationship before that was not good. At first yes, he showed me what kind of life work pulls off. I learned true understanding of what I didn’t want in my life and did. Never truley loved him.

There was another gentleman I would say I thought I loved, as well. He taught me how to work, have fun, and what a family guy was like. He just didn’t like kids, that much i believe. I’d say that was lust!

But this man now has showed me and given me a picture of exactly what I want. He’s smart, he works, he’s sweet, he likes my kids and having them around, his outlook on life is what I’ve longed for. And he’s sooo sexy. Everything he does is as close to perfection as you can get.

Yes he has downs but not unbearable, I find them cute, and funny. I adore everything he puts his heart into because it’s 100. And when I do something incorrectly he explains to me how to fix it, and shows me when he can. I love this man with everything I got. For every reason I can tell you. He’s my happy ending❤️