Its been a little over year since the last time I wrote and I have soo much to just spew out all over these pages. Life is crazy, sometime the craziness is soo overwhelming, we ask God why, and we always feel like we are being punished when things are NOT going as we expected. I could say that time and time again. But since the storm or should I say the storms have been over I look at it and later realized yes at the time it was difficult there were times I never thought Id make it or I just wanted to give up and be done. But today, I am more blessed and understand that it all had a purpose.
Right now in my life I am happy to say that I am pushing 40 years old, and have come to terms about alot of choices I made. Most people by the age of 40 already been in a job, or should I should say a career, going out with co-workers and just living life (my personal opinion). But almost all of those people you see posting happy family pics and work gatherings, and yada yada don’t tell about the long nights at the office, or how they only got 2 hours of sleep to get a presentation ready for a spur of the moment meeting. They don’t talk about the the sickness they felt yesterday strolling into work, and how tired their body is from night after night of trying to make impression for their job, so night after night they go go go, to try to get ahead, and thinking to their self how easy it would be to just quit on life because of how exhausted and tired they are. And no to mention how much of their childs life they were not there for. Ball games missed, school functions they could only send an email to cancel, notes never read just signed, and even worse how they are never home to tuck their children in for bed, and the next thing they know they are planning for college.
I have been a single mother of 4 children, I can say its been the best, life enduring lessons, I could have ever went through. My children have built me to be who I am today. Not going to lie at some point I was sad over how I never got to finish college to become a therapist, or a signer, or what I could of been. It took a long time of being depressed, because I wish I could of had a career by time my kids were on their own, today I cant say that. I have evaluated my life and took a long hard look at the choices I made, and today I am NOT SAD, I am NOT DEPRESSED, I am NOT UNHAPPY. Each child I raised are completely different, they each have taken their own direction but what I can say as their mother I proud of them, I know I raised them to the best I could, and I can no longer control choices they took.
Yes, I worked but when it came to it I always choose my kids before everything. I surrounded my life around my kids, I still do today. I have maybe talked about this before, I have 3 girls, and a son. My oldest 2 are out on their own, 1 with a baby, and the other with one on the way. My third child is about to graduate, and my son lives with his father, he came to the age where his dad was what he needed and I wouldn’t change that today. I could go on forever about how great my kids are and smart and what every mother would say about their child, and yes it is accurate, but what other don’t tell you, is the feeling of them growing up and out of the house, and how their choices makes you feel like you failed at something at something in their life, and that being a parent is the most no paid challenge and some would say job, in life any individual goes through.
Yes, my resume is long and yes it has gaps in it as well, but what I can also say is that I did it for my children. As they are growing up and needing more attention at certain aspects of their life I was there. There were times I had to quit my job, because I need to be there for my children or child at the time. I use to regret somethings I gave up, because at the time I needed to. Today, I can honestly say at the time it was what needed to be done for my kids, or child at the time. Yes I could be getting 10 year anniverseries, and at some points I have gotten down because I thought well that could of been me, and then get all sad and what not of the ‘what if’s” or “could of beens”, but I can full heartedly say I wouldnt change that today. I realized that at any given moment I did it for my children. I have always made my choices based of my children, even when I knew it would have me falling behind. In my eyes I did what any parent should do, choose their child.
It has been more difficult for me seeing my child on by one growing up and starting families of their own, or moving forward at life, but I am soo happy of who they are, the compassion they have for theirselves and the love they are putting into this world. Alot of people say you should be happy and know that you did great ans they can make it, but the sad part about it for me is and as selfish as it sounds, is we are seperated, and thats the hard part for me. Now I am not saying I was perfect, and or that I raised them in perfect manners, because there are some areas I would been seen as I failed. But everything my children went through in their lives even if they dont understand it now will in the future, is I loved them and did everything in life and will until I die for my children!!!!
I don’t belive my kids will ever know how many times they have saved me. Yes there were times they seen me down and out, super depressed, and we have went through the toughest times together, but even through those times, my love never failed them, and I always choose them first, even when it didnt seem like it was for them. ( now that they are growing up). I couldnt have asked for better children, sorry people I have the best ones.