My Mind

When we get older, we get told we become wiser! Lol!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œ I believe this fully. My mouth has become quieter, my eyes have become wider(hypothetically), and my ears have become more sensitive. 

    I am a quiet person, unless I am a close friend with you, then I probably tell you WAY more than I should at times. And since I started my new job I have learned and meant so many people. Different backgrounds, different stories, different situations, and just different. 

    Just over the last almost year, my mind has gotten just wiser, I feel. I feel it could have been because of the brokenness from HIM leaving me, and trying to pick the pieces up, and hearing people stories about their break ups. It could be because the stuff going on with my mother, and realizing life is so short. 

    But I look at life completely different than I did a year ago. I look back now and I couldn’t believe how naΓ―ve, inconsiderate, and just not together my mind was. I’m not saying that I have it figured out. And happy go lucky! But I feel more confident about me!

     I remember how down I was. I remember how sad. Don’t get me wrong like I get down and sad still, but it passes. It’s normal, it’s the sulking and thinking the world against me. I know I was broken. And I know there are going to be blogs were it’s gonna sound like I’m a hot mess! Yes! Some days I do! But I know it’s normal! 

      I have more of a positive mind again! I just feel. I understand things better. I feel expanding my mind beyond what I have, to hear people and about them, I feel better. 

      My job has people from all over the world, and they are amazing! People came for just the season! And they were amazing! I mean we had some that complained everyday, but I gave them positiveness and they laughed and I felt good, I helped them think differently.  

      I just feel the wise take getting older you get wise is conoletly true! ONLY if you wanna get wiser! πŸ˜œπŸ’‹β€Hope everyone has a GREAT day!!!!

It’s Been While

It’s been sometime since my last blog. I’ve been super busy at work. And with my mom being sick it’s been hard to catch a break, alone time, or even time to think.

     I have so much to express just not sure how. Between sadness, hurt and questions. And mostly direction not sure which way to turn. I mostly been praying which has helped me a lot lately. I’m not really a huge “praying” kind of gal. But I’m mostly as for peace. 

      Update on my mom. So I wrote about my mom being sick. More spots were found. They cleared up most of her infections in her body. So they found her spots on her bladder which they think is due to her mesh. This week they have indeed said it is cancer! She is scheduled to have one removed was originally January 10th, but got pushed back to December 28th. 

        My heart hurts most importantly because I’m scared. I’m scared for her, and my sisters, and my family. She doesn’t wanna talk about it and that makes it hard on us all. I see the sadness in her face and the scared look in her eyes which brings tears to my eyes every time. Although I try to be strong I don’t cry in front of her nor anyone else.

         I’ve pretty much sheltered myself away from everyone. I don’t talked to but a couple girls I have made from work. Since August I really quit hanging out with my old girlfriends. I talk to them but don’t hangout with them. The two girls I meant at work I have become really come really close with.

         Not sure if it’s because we work together and see each other all the time. We hang out occasionally outside of work. But when I’m not at work I’m doing mommy things. I really try to keep busy. Not sure if it’s to keep my mind occupied so I don’t break down, or if it’s just because that’s what I do. So use to being busy. 

          I know two things are certain I am super scared about my mom and my kids! My two older girls know about the condition my mom is in up to date. My other daughter I haven’t told yet or my son. Going to wait until after the holiday to tell them possibly. I know my other daughter is going to take it super hard and I don’t want my son to be worried and it ruin his holiday with his dad. 

         I will try to write more blogs, work is going to be slowing down, and I have so much to write about. 

Once I Was Asked

Awhile back I was in a relationship that tore me to pieces. It made me realize things about myself that not only things I wanted to change in my life, but about myself as well.

     I been told it wasn’t for the good, but others say it was for the best. I changed some things about me, for instance trust! Major key factor! I have a hard time trusting some people. This person in general. It’s been since May he left me. And since then we talked, and time to time, have had long conversations about what went wrong his part and mine. 

       He asked me to trust him again and give a chance and here in the last month I thought I’d give a whirl. The huge problem has been drinking and time after we have went over this! And yes! His drinking has been better and yes things was good again! But I had a wall! And day by day a brick was being removed! But as days went by it seemed as a brick was removed he took more advantage of that. In the last two weeks it got more chaotic!

        Few weeks ago I tried to go out with some girl friends which he intruded on and ruined the evening and it became a huge problem and turned out not to be what it was suppose to and yes I admit, apparently he has trust issues to. It seems, past relationships because I don’t cross lines that your not suppose to! I love him and wouldn’t try if I didn’t! His drinking became worse. 

          He started lying about drinking, tried covering up about his drinking and two nights in one week he went elsewhere instead of coming home due to his drinking because if he drank he wasn’t allowed at home because of the kids. I feel he chose his drinking instead of family! He should of been home. And then again on top of all that he been back home for a month and me working and paying everything said he was gonna pay and do this and that the day he was suppose to pay up, leaves. 

       Now I’m not trying to throw trash in the streets but I wanted the bigger picture to be seen. I started letting my wall down. And now look where I am! Right back to square one! I’m torn and crushed! I feel worse than the day he left in May! Because I gave him a chance, because I started giving him a chance. I feel like if I wouldn’t have I would always wondered. And now I feel like now that I did, it wasn’t worth the pain I feel all over again. I’m trying to be and show my girls. But what is it I’m actually teaching and showing them. I totally believe in “leading by example,” but what is this example. 

    And it’s not even about the shit that had to get done, bills that need paid or kids things, because it always works out. It is about, how I see a change in him so much until the last two weeks. Just in the last two weeks, since he been back around, he’s had a significant change and it’s been for the good.  He helped with the kids, they got along, he helped with house stuff, we had great conversations, we laughed, it was just like before, at least beginning to.  

      Then he changed, seemed angry all the time. Very irratable, demanding. And always tired. He never helped with the house stuff. Yelled at the kids all the time. Cursed way more than he did. His voice sounded to easily, almost like he was mad, and unhappy, all the time! And his face expressions l, always mad and red. Very argumentative!

      Automatically everyone is stressed, worried and most of scared. It seemed like everything we did was wrong, not fast enough and most all stupid. My wall started going back up. Because now I’m all these things And on top of that you accuse me of infidelity! I have never and would never, I believe do onto others as you would want done on to you, so I interpret this as I know how this feels so if I would or would not want this done to me don’t do to others if they don’t deserve. But I been asked to let my wall down!

Being the Rock

I have always wondered how I have become so strong…. Granted there are days I am weak, and wonder how I can get through “this”. Look at what u have been through and what I am going through and what I have to go through.

     I have done things in my past and wondered how I’d ever make it through. People always depend on me and I still to this day wonder why. People that don’t even know me spill there heart out to me and all I wanna do is just hug them! 

      I know I have lived some and defiantly learn. And I defiantly believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and well many other mottos I’ve heard. Some days I won’t lie I wanna crawl in a hole and just hide but I know in my heart that could be the time all a person needed was just a ear to listen. 

        As far as my mom goes, well we defiantly been up and had ALOT of downs but I really feel she would fall apart if I would hold her together. I believe there are always people in families that try to help hold them together, especially a family like mine. And I totally believe that was my role to take! Keeping it together!  

           That in itself keeps a smile on my face and my heart going. Knowing that I’m not just a hot mess just here. I feel I have had a purpose and actually have been able to actually fulfill my duty and I feel great. Some times overwhelmed, but I feel so grateful and defiantly blessed!!!! 

          I also feel great that I have my new family tooπŸ˜€, and that’s ya all! I read your stories, opinions, and inspirations, and that in itself is mind blowing! I love it!!! And I feel like I’m on top of the world. I might cry and become overwhelmed, but the words and comforting feeling I get from ya all is unspeakable, words can’t express. I found my place!!!!πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ€˜πŸΌπŸ€˜πŸΌπŸ€˜πŸΌπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

Why Today!

Today is my moms birthday! πŸ°πŸŽ‰πŸŽŠ How can you turn the one day of the year that’s hers better, happy, serene, painfree, stress free, and tear free. JUST ONE DAY!!!!

   She met me for lunch, which was great! She was coming back from an appointment at my lunch time and came and saw me. I got off work early so came to her house. While we sit here she’s calling doctors.

     So I overheard all of it so far. And it just tears me to pieces. Her whole body has infections and no antibiotics is working and they (doctors) don’t know why. So she’s freaking out getting appointments. And can’t keep food down. It’s just so upsetting. Upsetting she has to wait a week for appointment. A week and few days for another test. And wait for nurses to call back.

       My heart breaks for all families that has went through this. And are going through this now. It’s just sad. Sad for those doctors who has to give the news to families, and can’t sleep. My heart has never weighed so heavy………. And brokenπŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Emotions I Never Thought I Had

So I have been super busy, between work, kids going back to school, and wrapping my head around my mom being sick. The daily day to day living, which is always stressful to me. I have been always told I wear my hear on my shoulders. 

      I as I get older I have tried not to let as much bother me. It’s not that I think it’s all intensional, or on purpose because as we all know shit just happens, and how we deal with it is strictly up to us. But that being said why do we tend to fall back in to some patterns that doesn’t suit is very well even though we know it may never change.

      I’ve always been told to look at the brighter side of things. And that’s what I try to do. As my moms situation, and death period, I feel is selfish as myself to wish someone to be here with me, as to if they have lived their life correctly they will go where they belong. 

       I also believe that people are the chosen one, so to speak. So if my mother does she apparently is the chosen one. Which we have spoke about this to each other. Since she has also shared she is NOT doing chemo, radiation or any other treatment. She says if it’s her time to go, it’s her time to go. Which some say is vague! But it’s her life. I look at it like apparently HE needs her more than myself for his army! And that’s just that.

       The whole idea of my mother being sick has taken a toll on me in ways I never thought would have. I have always been upset and angry with my mom which later I will go into more detail of why. But I know everything in my life hasn’t always been her fault it has inevitably been my own I just felt better blaming it all on her, because of all the wrong she has done. 

          Now, I have to come to those terms! I have to take responsibility for what I have done and apologize to her. Because I may not have a chance to later. And that has been very hard to do. In some way it has made me feel better…… But also sad, that it came to this for me to realize that it was me. After a period of time. And to realize some of my behavior was just myself all along. I just hope I have been what she expected me to be and my family as well. 

#feelinalittlebroken