Dear You,

Its been a little over year since the last time I wrote and I have soo much to just spew out all over these pages. Life is crazy, sometime the craziness is soo overwhelming, we ask God why, and we always feel like we are being punished when things are NOT going as we expected. I could say that time and time again. But since the storm or should I say the storms have been over I look at it and later realized yes at the time it was difficult there were times I never thought Id make it or I just wanted to give up and be done. But today, I am more blessed and understand that it all had a purpose.

Right now in my life I am happy to say that I am pushing 40 years old, and have come to terms about alot of choices I made. Most people by the age of 40 already been in a job, or should I should say a career, going out with co-workers and just living life (my personal opinion). But almost all of those people you see posting happy family pics and work gatherings, and yada yada don’t tell about the long nights at the office, or how they only got 2 hours of sleep to get a presentation ready for a spur of the moment meeting. They don’t talk about the the sickness they felt yesterday strolling into work, and how tired their body is from night after night of trying to make impression for their job, so night after night they go go go, to try to get ahead, and thinking to their self how easy it would be to just quit on life because of how exhausted and tired they are. And no to mention how much of their childs life they were not there for. Ball games missed, school functions they could only send an email to cancel, notes never read just signed, and even worse how they are never home to tuck their children in for bed, and the next thing they know they are planning for college.

I have been a single mother of 4 children, I can say its been the best, life enduring lessons, I could have ever went through. My children have built me to be who I am today. Not going to lie at some point I was sad over how I never got to finish college to become a therapist, or a signer, or what I could of been. It took a long time of being depressed, because I wish I could of had a career by time my kids were on their own, today I cant say that. I have evaluated my life and took a long hard look at the choices I made, and today I am NOT SAD, I am NOT DEPRESSED, I am NOT UNHAPPY. Each child I raised are completely different, they each have taken their own direction but what I can say as their mother I proud of them, I know I raised them to the best I could, and I can no longer control choices they took.

Yes, I worked but when it came to it I always choose my kids before everything. I surrounded my life around my kids, I still do today. I have maybe talked about this before, I have 3 girls, and a son. My oldest 2 are out on their own, 1 with a baby, and the other with one on the way. My third child is about to graduate, and my son lives with his father, he came to the age where his dad was what he needed and I wouldn’t change that today. I could go on forever about how great my kids are and smart and what every mother would say about their child, and yes it is accurate, but what other don’t tell you, is the feeling of them growing up and out of the house, and how their choices makes you feel like you failed at something at something in their life, and that being a parent is the most no paid challenge and some would say job, in life any individual goes through.

Yes, my resume is long and yes it has gaps in it as well, but what I can also say is that I did it for my children. As they are growing up and needing more attention at certain aspects of their life I was there. There were times I had to quit my job, because I need to be there for my children or child at the time. I use to regret somethings I gave up, because at the time I needed to. Today, I can honestly say at the time it was what needed to be done for my kids, or child at the time. Yes I could be getting 10 year anniverseries, and at some points I have gotten down because I thought well that could of been me, and then get all sad and what not of the ‘what if’s” or “could of beens”, but I can full heartedly say I wouldnt change that today. I realized that at any given moment I did it for my children. I have always made my choices based of my children, even when I knew it would have me falling behind. In my eyes I did what any parent should do, choose their child.

It has been more difficult for me seeing my child on by one growing up and starting families of their own, or moving forward at life, but I am soo happy of who they are, the compassion they have for theirselves and the love they are putting into this world. Alot of people say you should be happy and know that you did great ans they can make it, but the sad part about it for me is and as selfish as it sounds, is we are seperated, and thats the hard part for me. Now I am not saying I was perfect, and or that I raised them in perfect manners, because there are some areas I would been seen as I failed. But everything my children went through in their lives even if they dont understand it now will in the future, is I loved them and did everything in life and will until I die for my children!!!!

I don’t belive my kids will ever know how many times they have saved me. Yes there were times they seen me down and out, super depressed, and we have went through the toughest times together, but even through those times, my love never failed them, and I always choose them first, even when it didnt seem like it was for them. ( now that they are growing up). I couldnt have asked for better children, sorry people I have the best ones.

Love Always,

HappilyinPain

Dear You,

I have read through so many letters to you, and today I can say, this is what hasn’t changed my devotion to you, my love for you and my loyalty to you hasn’t ever changed. I can still say I am madly in love with you even more than I was when you asked me to marry you. My understanding about why alot of things are the way they are is so much better than they use to be. My faith for understanding is greater for you and me.

I can honestly say today I am not a selfish person, God is who I love and and I live for him. I couldn’t say that before. 5 years ago I knew of God but know Him. I can say our foundation and we have grown together. Yes, we have been through more than I could have ever imagined still today, but through it we have done nothing but grown stronger through it, some people wouldn’t had. I

I am proud of the man you are, the man you have become and the man you are becoming. You have grown soo much from where I first meant you to who you are today. God has turned you completely around. I pray everyday that you continue to be the best you can be, and follow your heart, with as much love as you can, live life to fullest and be the happiest you can be. I love you, forever always💕💕💕

To You

If I could open my heart to you like a book, you would see things more clearer. But speaking is hard to you. The simplest words seem so complicating for you to grasp.

It seems so hard for you to understand at times. I’m not sure if it’s because you don’t wanna feel them or because you choose not to. I haven’t learned if it’s because your afraid of being hurt from your past or because you have hurt others and your scared to be hurt like that to.

Through these years we have been through many tribulations and have over came them time and time again. Sad ones, hard times, hurt times, and still fighting. But at some point it feels at times, when is it going to stop.

I once read a farmer always wanted a farm like the one next door. Not realizing he could have his farm just like the one next door with time, maintenance, and patience. His patience ran slim and bought the one next door and to keep up that farm took special care, more up keep, twice as much work than he could imagine, than his original farm would have if he just would have had patience.

Sometimes in life we think moving on to other things would be better instead of just working on what needs to be fixed. It seems you always helping others, instead of working on us. I have patience, I just think your not.

I have soo much to say and never the correct time to say it, or the correct ways to say it seems.

Dear You

I always believed taking breaks was a weak escape. Like it was ones way of saying hey I’m done, or I’m going to do me and what I want to do without you or just be selfish and do whatever and then come back to you in my own terms. But as I have gotten older I have really realized this is completely wrong🙌🏽

I guess from being young and in our own selfish mind we think of what we would do or what we want to do. We tend to think of why we do things and that’s why others do what they do. And that just isn’t the case.

As we get older we learn from our own motors and change our own behaviors and see what we really want in life and adapt to our selves as we mold in to that. I know for myself speaking on me, really at this point in my life, I feel I way wiser from what I was.

Here in the last 6 months our relationship was rough, we argued over a lot. You are my best friend, and mentioning taking a break immediately threw me in a panic, my mind racing to is he wanting another woman, am I not good enough, does he not love me any more, is he giving up, we can work through this. And all in all completely selfish on my part.

We both were going through so much. I just lost a dear friend, having trouble talking to you about it, you trying to move your stuff from a house you and your mother shared for years, it was your life, selling your house, starting yourself over, we both were under pressure. I was trying to help our communication was completely off, and arguing wasn’t helping and taking a break was exactly what we did need for both of us.

Past relationships, not our situation, but my past and yours and selfish thinking from both of us made us feel the way we did. Even feeling the way we did, broke both of us.

Getting over ourselves was what helped though. Knowing we could after the dust settled, come to each other like best friends, is why we face tribulations, in our life. I was selfish not thinking about what you were going through, at the time, and giving you the space you actually needed, and trying to help too much, and being there overly for you. I am sorry for that. I just don’t like you carrying the weight all alone.

I just wanted you know that I am there for whatever, and I’m sorry for me trying soo hard. I’m sorry when I was hurting I couldn’t tell you fully. But I am working on that, and I will do better. I do love you❤️❤️

Dear You

I have always taken our relationship slowly, because I wanted to learn you. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was true, and not just like the other. Which believe at any point it never had felt like the others I actually felt serious with.

I mean at times yes I could have, with the excitement I felt with them it could have felt some type of love. But I know with you, it’s in fact my one true love, my soul, my best friend type of love.

If ever you thought or think my love for you has ever died, it hasn’t for has hard headed as I can be, mean as you think I am, I am never out of love with you. Every day my love is more for you like the first day I knew I loved you. Even on days I block you number since you moved out. I still look🤷🏼‍♀️

Even when I know your busy. I just wish I meant as much to you as you do to me. And that’s probably the problem. I never believed in fairy tales, or happily ever endings. But mine is with you. You are my happy, you are my fairytale. Not like a book, because those are just not true. But what I believe to be true is.

The calls to let me know you care like I do. The actually telling me how you feel not weeks after not hearing my voice. The you actually want this to relationship, not just the convience of it, like it’s been, like I have allowed it.

I have indeed allowed it to be like this. I have taken it slow but at some point the comes a time when you know what you want after 4 years. At some time, you decide either this is it or it’s not. We have been through soo much and telling me I am everything and it hurts not hearing from for days but then go days without talking to me. Completely counter acts what you say.

I am not a place holder and I will not be, until what you see as the next best thing to come along, it’s either you are in or you are out. Do not abuse my love, my heart, my mind or my emotions, because you are unsure of where or what you want❤️❤️❤️

You Playground

Dear You,

What is it going to take to realize I am not your playground? Everytime I get in you car, the excitement rises…… the adrenaline heightens…….it’s like a kid on a playground not knowing what to expect. Going into something unexpected.

It’s like addiction, and you are mine. I love you, but at some point I have to know when enough is enough. My heart is not your playground. It is not a toy, my heart is not game and my mind isn’t something to keep messing with.

You can’t keep telling me things I want to hear, I want to hear what is true! I want to hear what I need to hear and true. I can handle it. If loving me is what you in fact do, then love me, actions speak louder than words.

Not just with sex, not just with touch. Show me. Distance is not love. At times two people need distance, to handle business, but communication is best at most. Talking is the best. But going back on what u say is not!

My heart will never be your playground, having fun, then ghosting is not! Never play me a fool! I know more than I speak! I know you more than you see! I am more grown than I will ever show, don’t play me a fool, because you will be the fool, and looking like a child, with your childlike ways!

God gives us what we need, we have to work with it to make it work. We have to put it together with anything in life. Anything in life, after he shows us what it is we need. Nothing is easy, just as his life was not easy. When it’s Gods ways. Only eternity is, after hard work has paid off.❤️❤️❤️

Pathetic

Dear You,

I feel soooo pathetic, to fully give myself to you time and time again. Over and over again. My words are always so genuine and true. I fully tell you what I feel inside and I tell you how I feel and I feel you take it in and use that to your advantage.

At times I feel you feel the same and the moments we share yes you feel the same but then when it’s over it’s just over. It’s like a playground for you. Leaving me feel pathetic. Leaving me feel empty, but filled at the same time. It’s confusing!

You say you feel the same but are you only feeling the same at the time? Because I’m available for you? At that time, at that moment or at those moments? Do I make you feel alive?

When you leave or we part I wonder if I will ever see you again making me feel pathetic even more bc again I gave in. Who else is feeling pathetic to your weaknesses, your sweet words. Your soft touch. I love you. I’m tired of being your pathetic weakness. I want to be your fullness, I want to be what you say I am. If I am your love and your togetherness you wouldn’t make me be your pathetic ness, falling apart everytime , we part❤️❤️❤️❤️

Into The New Year

Dear You,

We think how can we change this year from the previous year. We think what went wrong, how can fix the state we’re in to make this year different from all the hurt, or how can I make this year the best year. Whether it’s a physical change, relationship change, or just emotional change.

A lot of times people still drag last year into the new, thinking this will be easy, or this change is simple. Most changes wanting to be made is and has to stay from you. But it’s a deeper you that has to be changed. They way of thinking has to be changed, deleting negative thoughts and the negative energy that’s around you to make any significant change period.

If it’s a physical change wanting to be made, negative thoughts about your self need to be made. Thinking how can I, I’m not good enough, or worrying about what others think is the hugest part. A lot of times I’ve heard people say I couldn’t do it because, I didn’t know where to start, or tried and gave up, or I didn’t financially meet the requirements. But all in all that starts with you mentally.

Give yourself more credit. Know you can make this change if it’s working out more, or as little as walking daily. The first step is the hardest. But mentally be set on it. If this is your way of thinking your never going to accomplish the goal you set out to do.

If have financial stopping you from accomplishing the goals set forth for yourself, mentally you have to change. Quit coming up with reason to why you can’t. You have to change that mindset to YOU CAN. If your always leaving work, and putting other the things in the way of the goals set forth. Mentally you have to change your way of thinking to what’s more important.

If it’s a new hobby your getting into, mess up and do it again. Don’t just stop because you didn’t get it right the first time, your learning something new, your going to mess up. And that is okay. Keep trying until you get it. Giving up is a change mentally too, stop giving up on yourself. It’s like riding a bike, your gonna fall, but keep getting up and doing it until it’s right.

And a relationship, if your trying to make something work, or giving up. You have to mentally be ready for the struggle. Know the effort you will have to make either way. Giving up, learn to say no, and why. And stand by what you say. If your trying to work something out, know why, and stand by that. And if your not sure what to do. Well it’s okay, but stand by what you think it should be like, never give up on your expectations. Because along the line at some point, you have to be mentally strong for yourself. You to set standards in place for yourself. Know your worth. And that takes a mental change as well. Every situation has a positive side to things it’s realizing it and really your worth. Don’t be the person that waters other grasses water your own, and you will flourish.

I hope everyone has a great New Year, and prosper. It all starts with you!❤️❤️

Christmas

Dear You,

Merry Christmas! I sure hope you had a great day, visiting family, eating, and most of being happy. I had a pretty good day watching movies, and laying around the house.

Yesterday, Christmas Eve I attended church, did my communion. And had dinner with my mom and sister. While I was there, I thought abt you ( I do a lot, but brush it off) Missing you ALOT.

Hearing you laugh at my cooking, and getting dinner ready, sneaking into to test food, all that. It seemed like I was missing a part of me even more. It’s ok though because this is how it is now.

It’s just adjusting is the hard part. We get told that in life we miss most of what we thought we would be is what hurts. But missing my best freind is what does. Spending time with family is more. But you were my family. I just hope you had a great Christmas…..❤️

My Best Friend

Dear You,

You have always been my true best friend. I can honestly say there ya never been anyone I have been as closest to as I allowed myself get to you. People say their mother, their father their, someone, but you are my Someone, other than God.

The day you asked me to marry you may have not been the most romantic someone would have wanted but to me, I wouldn’t have asked it to have been any other way or any other place. I could have been more happier in my life than that moment and knowing I was going to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.

Yes I knew it wasn’t going to be peaches and cream. And yes I knew we wasn’t always going to agree. And there were going to be times we couldn’t stand each other. But in those moments I wouldn’t choose to spend with anyone but you.

Throughout these 4/5 years, we built a foundation, so strong we been through things a lot of people go threw. Loosing people we love, having to start over ( together), struggle tribulations, depression, being strong when the other can’t be. And of all always been there for each other.

Late night conversations, heart filled talks, knowing and definitely not knowing on what to do about obstacles we had to challenge, we leaned on each other. And coming to you was the best thing in my life. Even telling you about my day at work. Or asking you what you did just so I could hear you talk. Especially when you were excited about things, I loved it.

Calling you stupid, because to me it was so funny and I didn’t want laugh so ridiculously you’d think I was literally stupid. Or saying you were “so dumb🙄” bc I couldn’t explain what I really wanted to say how I thought it was a fantastic idea with more intelligence behind what I wanted to say on how I really felt. So I always just laughed at it and say things like that. I’m probably the stupid one now.

Here in the last year yes has been our hardest but not talking about it, made it worse. Still feeling no different or looking at you no different than before I just quit trying so hard because I just figured you would come to me like you said.

Yes loosing your mom was hard, not seeing your daughter even harder. People down your neck what you should do and not, completely stressful. On top our household issues. Yes, I get it. But not being together through it made it harder instead it separated us.

I gave you space, you wanted more. My best friend is now gone. I made myself vulnerable to you. Yes at some points I am mad and hurt but at me too. Because it takes two to work it or break it. And we both did that. Now two people who love each other, live apart, don’t even speak no more.

Hearing your voice made my day, looking at you smile made me smile. Being in your company made me happy. To my Best Friend, I love you.❤️